(THUD)
Shit.
Don't worry, Bevvy.
We'll hunt him down and kill him.
It's amazing who you bump into at the races.
What the fuck are you doing here?
I found them in the glove box on our first date, remember?
God, you were such a bad boy back then.
What happened? (CHUCKLES)
- Did you catch that rat? - What rat?
What, Price didn't tell you about the Internal Affairs thing?
Must have slipped his mind.
DOLORES: Oh...
Peak hour.
EMILY: No, I'm serious, that's Doreen Bognor,
the missing, presumed dead, sister.
Ah, I'm pretty sure that's Dolores.
Doreen's missing and we've got you talking to her
the night she disappeared.
Doesn't really matter which way you slice it,
that's not a good look for you, Les.
About time I hit the frog, huh?
Yep.
Did you get all that?
LES: (ON RECORDING) Dolores.
EMILY: (ON RECORDING) Wait, Dolores.
No, that's Doreen.
LES: (LAUGHS) I know they're twins, but if you look closely...
- What do you think? - What do I think?
I think Bozo's smarter than his file would suggest.
Yeah, but not as smart as he thinks he is,
which is precisely why I've got him on the hop.
(SCOFFS)
Don't I?
I've spent a career listening to this stuff.
You develop a sixth sense for it.
For what, exactly?
For the precise moment your officer falls for a mark.
(LAUGHS) You've got to be kidding.
What, Les Norton? Have you seen the guy?
This is the kind of rubbish that gets
a young, fresh-faced Internal Affairs officer into rough waters.
I'm already thinking you're in over your head.
I'm a strong swimmer.
And Thumper is strong kicker.
That's all the more reason to go hard.
What about the bookkeeper?
We know that there's a direct link
between the Kelly Club and Thumper.
We agreed that she was the obvious play.
I can work Les harder.
I'm sure you can!
But if things go tits up,
you know that the big redhead can't save you, right?
I don't need him to save me.
I need someone on the inside to help me.
And that's exactly what he's gonna do.
So...
What is it?
Huh?
I've been watching you all night.
You look like you've lost a testicle.
Nah, nah, I'm... I'm alright.
Could have fooled me.
It's like I'm standing next to an iceberg.
Where's Les gone, eh?
Well, he'd be halfway back to Dirra
if he knew what was good for him.
Come on, brother.
You've been here, what, 10 minutes?
Just give it a chance.
It'll get to you sooner or later.
Yeah, mate, it's already getting to me. That's the problem.
I'm in real trouble, mate.
Girl trouble or cop trouble?
(SCOFFS)
Both?
- Shit. That's uncharted territory. - Don't I know it?
Hey, hold... hold up, partner.
Hey, we're done for the night, mate.
Oi?
Come back tomorrow.
(AMERICAN ACCENT) Are you talkin' to me?
Yeah.
Are you talkin' to me?
Yeah.
We're... we're done in here.
If youse want to try the Bourbon and Beefsteak,
it's pretty wacky this time of the night, you might fit in.
What the fuck you say? You know who I am?
I... I can't say that I do, mate. But... who are ya?
Let's just say, I'm the guy who's gonna sit down
and shoot some goddamn craps.
Let's just say that you're not, mate.
(CHUCKLES)
Something funny, Smoky?
What did you call me?
Eh, eh, eh, eh, listen, Tex.
If it's not obvious already, I'm in a shit-house mood,
so I just suggest you take the fan club back to the hotel,
just sleep it off.
Oi...
Ooh, look out. Strewth.
Looks like he's angry, Les.
Looks like he's having a fuckin' seizure.
Ooh!
- Hey! - Ow!
Had enough, tough guy?
- Gettin' there. - Thought so.
- Ohh! - Ooh.
Now, you better step aside
before I unleash some real carnage, right?
I've shat things scarier than you.
Hey, didn't you lock the bloody door?
Shit, I'm sorry, boss.
Hey, this is the bloke I was telling you about.
Hey, Les, this is Mick Matthews.
He's the assistant coach of the Roosters.
G'day, Mr Matthews.
Les, um... Les has been working at the club a couple of months.
He came down from the country.
You know, wanted to have a crack at the big league.
Honestly, we're down a few big bodies
since the immigration raid last month.
With his size, uh,
he'd be pretty fucking hopeless not to be half useful.
Trouble is they're often big and they can hit hard,
but... (SIGHS) not much between the ears.
So, you're looking for a game, are you?
- Well, I was, but... - You reckon you can hack
a training run with the Roosters?
Oh, hack it? He'd love it. There you go, Les.
How good's that, eh?
NARRATOR: Now, ordinarily,
Les would have chewed his own arm off
to get a run with a Sydney rugby league team.
But with the current galactic shit-fight
that was Planet Norton at this particular time,
he figured he had bigger arms to chew.
I, uh... I don't, uh...
I don't think so, you know, thanks all the same.
Come on, son, opportunity knocks.
He's worried he can't cut it.
No surprises there.
Sorry, what?
It takes size and ticker to play first grade rugby league.
It's not an either/or.
Oh, righto. I'll do it, then, mate.
(SCOFFS) Don't do me any bloody favours.
What makes you think you're any good?
Well, with all due respect, mate,
you're the one making the offer.
Six o'clock, next Tuesday night.
Don't forget your mouthguard.
You don't want to make things look any worse.
Good on you, mate.
('80S DANCE MUSIC PLAYS)
WOMAN: More grace. Roll the head.
Keep going.
('OUT OF MIND, OUT OF SIGHT' BY THE MODELS PLAYS)
Breathe. Two more.
Roll, roll, and over. Good.
Now the arms.
Now the top.
Jeez.
How do you not get a permanent wedgie in these things?
I feel like every time I move,
my leotard keeps disappearing up my clacker.
You wear a G-string underneath the leotard
so you already have a wedgie.
Oh, wow! That's really smart!
I love the headband. So trendy.
- I'm Chenille, by the way. - Oh.
But all the girls call me Chazzy.
Oh, I'm Dolores.
But all the boys call me Dolly.
(LAUGHS)
Is this your first class?
I haven't seen you around before?
Oh, um, yeah. I'm not from here.
But I've been dying to see what this aerobics biz is all about.
Yeah? It's about an hour of dancing.
Right.
Followed by three hours of boozing.
- Ha! Only three? - Five...
- Yeah, yeah. (LAUGHS) - Six, seven, eight.
And step, three.
March your steps. Reach.
Lift those arms.
Up.
♪ Out of mind, out of sight ♪
♪ Gotta keep my body ♪
- ♪ Tight. ♪ - Whoo!
It's like he's been carved out of marble.
Mm.
Have a go.
Dale doesn't mind, do you, Dale?
Oh, Christ, that's hard as!
You could slice cheese on it.
I could set you up, if you like.
Are you married?
Oh... OK, I've been married many times.
For many different reasons.
But if I'm being totally honest,
right now, I'm kind of doing this thing
where I'm just the other woman.
It's really good
'cause you don't have to put up with the boring stuff,
cooking, cleaning, you know, just the normal sex.
I'm the one that gets the sexy sex.
Mmm. Sexy sex. More, please.
(ALL LAUGH)
Mm.
Darling, don't look now,
but there's a funny, little foreign man looking at you.
Oh, no, that's just my driver.
Oh!
I love a good...
... drive!
(BOTH LAUGH)
Oh, you're a classic.
If I'd known this aerobics caper was gonna be this much fun,
I would have aerobicsed it up earlier.
This is just it, isn't it?
Aerobics isn't about the aerobics.
And book club isn't about the books.
- And... - The races isn't about the racing.
There you go.
You're one of us already.
You're a fast learner, aren't you, Miss Dolly.
LOZZA: You're not a real fast learner, are you, Les?
I mean, some girls, they come home to find their flatmates
with maybe a nice cocktail ready,
a few nibblies before dinner.
Instead, I get Les Norton
in a lounge room that smells like a locker room.
I was... gonna wash all that shit when I calm down.
Can you remind me again why I give a shit?
Well, because, guess who's got a run,
training with the Eastern Suburbs Roosters tomorrow?
You do not!
Mm.
That... that is...
I do not know what to say.
I really think that somewhere, deep down,
I always just assumed that you were completely full of shit.
(CHUCKLES) Apparently not.
So, um... how's your fitness levels and your ball skills?
All that? You really reckon you're ready for this?
Lozza, I was born for this shit.
(GRUNTS)
Shit!
Foghorn!
Les, mate, how are ya?
What are you doin' here?
Same thing as you, you wombat.
I thought you'd hung the boots up.
So did I. But we're short a few big men, and Matthews hit me up.
Yeah, same.
But are they gonna let you play with your Zimmer frame.
Why don't I jam it up your arse and we find out?
McCormack, Norton, stop holding each other's dicks
and get on with it.
(GRUNTS)
NARRATOR: Now, Les had been playing rugby league
since the under-7s
and he'd seen his fair share of training.
Back in Dirranbandi,
it consisted of a trot around Murphy's Oval,
a quick game of touch,
then repairing to the pub for a big feed
and half a dozen beers.
Training with the Roosters was a bit different.
MAN: Harder!
Ohh!
Oh, shit. Sorry, mate.
MATTHEWS: Righto, outside!
FOGHORN: You cocky bastard.
Keep up, old man.
99.
100.
You did say you worked out.
Don't they have weights in Woop Woop.
(LAUGHS)
Come on, push, Chooks, move it.
Step it up!
PLAYERS: Push, push, push, push, push!
(BREATHES HEAVILY)
Not gonna cark it, are ya?
- Not likely. - That's good.
'Cause Thursday's session, you're running with first grade.
That's when we'll really see what you're made of, hey?
- Yeah? - Go on, back in line.
It's not a holiday.
With me.
All good, boss?
It will be.
No-one comes inside. Do you understand?
OK, boss.
So, you reckon you're not the rat, eh?
MAN: I don't know what you're talking about.
(THUMPING)
No, no! No! Aaaagh!
(THUMPING AND SCREAMING CONTINUES)
LES: See ya.
You stalking me?
You know, I'd call the cops if you weren't one.
Have you got a minute to talk?
Can it wait till after I pass out?
Unfortunately not.
It's about the tape from the other night.
Look, I already told you, it...
Can you just hear me out, please?
(SIGHS)
I messed up.
I took the tape from work, and I shouldn't have,
and now I'm packing death.
Right.
I was trying to do the right thing,
but I might have compromised a major investigation
in the process.
If word gets out about this, I'm in deep shit.
Why are you telling me this?
Like I'm gonna go blab to anyone!
Because if I'm in trouble, so are you.
Look, Doreen was a piece of work
and aside from her sister,
there aren't many out there mourning her loss.
But people are asking questions,
and if you want to get out from underneath this,
I need you to level with me.
We know she was murdered.
Did you have anything to do with it?
You're kidding, aren't you?
Deadset, 'course not.
Well, if you hear anything, you'll tell me, yeah?
Well, are you asking as a cop or a mate?
Shouldn't make a difference.
To me it does.
So, you reckon you got what it takes to run with the big dogs?
Guess we'll find out, eh?
My gut says no.
My gut says it likes pies, but I don't always listen to it.
See, that's exactly what gets me worried.
You like the sound of your own voice, don't you?
But at the elite level, it's all about
how you deal with other blokes.
And I know you yokels don't spell that good,
but trust me, there is no 'I' in 'team'.
Got it?
I'm not sure you deserve it yet.
Don't know your size,
so I got, uh... blimp.
Good-o.
What is it?
Power of attorney, firstborn child, left gonad, what do you care?
If you want to be a Rooster,
you sign here, you fuckin' hillbilly.
Tell me you can read.
Give me the pen.
Well, well, well.
If it isn't public enemy number one.
Morning, officer.
I'm impounding this vehicle until further notice.
What are you doing here?
What does it look like, dickhead?
Playing footy.
Still the smart-arse, I see.
You got that shitbox out of impound yet?
No.
No, it's still in there. Yeah.
Right alongside any sign of your charisma.
(OTHERS LAUGH)
I heard on the grapevine that you did a few days in the big house
on the back of that fine.
- Mm. - See this guy?
He just got out of the boob.
I'd check your valuables if I was you.
MATTHEWS: Righto, ladies, let's go.
Move it.
Can't hide behind your badge out there, can you, officer?
Won't need to.
'Cause if you thought prison was hard, you wait for first grade.
(GRUNTS)
MATTHEWS: Come on, Norton. Get back in line, back five.
MATTHEWS: Hold up, hold up.
Let's have a look at it.
Ohhh!
OK, shower time, big fella. Come and help him.
I'll get Margot to have a look at it after that.
You redheaded goose.
Hobson was my last healthy prop.
Oh, come on, Coach. He come at me with his elbow up.
He tried to knock my fillings out.
- I just stepped out of the way. - Foghorn?
Dust off the cobwebs, big fella.
You're packin' down in first grade this weekend.
Yeah!
And as for you,
I hope you don't shit the bed,
'cause you're taking Foghorn's spot on the bench.
I don't know, mate, I... I just got here.
- I don't even know the call. - You're a prop.
There are no fuckin' calls.
Surely there's someone else.
Yeah, he's in the shower with a broken clavicle!
You're it, tough guy.
OK, ladies, hit the sheds!
Welcome to first grade, kid.
NARRATOR: All his life, Les had been led to believe
that rugby league was a simple game,
played by simple men.
But that was bush league.
Like so much else about the city,
nothing down here was that simple.
OK, you ready?
Fire... fire away.
In your view, what chance do the Roosters have
against the Tigers on the weekend?
Well, how... how would I bloody know? I just got here, remember?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Uh... what happened to, "They're a top team, always tough to beat,
"but it's a game of two halves,
"and I reckon we can come out on top
if we play the whole 80 minutes"?
Yeah, right. It... it totally slipped my mind.
As a boy from the sticks,
did you ever dream this day would come?
It... it's a game of two halves, I reckon.
Mm-hm.
Um, like, half... half of it's down,
but we're also, like, uh, halfway up.
Alright, just turn your head for me, mate.
Oh, no, the other way.
Yeah, right.
Alright, uh, just... just relax, mate.
You're the Bowen Lager guy, remember?
Just, uh... give us a smile.
But it's also a personal quest for wholeness,
and the individuation of each man.
How many players on the field?
Are there 13?
No. Paradoxically, there's just one.
A single organic unit, if you will.
How many 'I's in 'team'?
How many 'Is' in, "What the fuck is he talking about?"
(ALL LAUGH)
How did that make you feel, Foghorn?
I don't know.
- Tainted? - Yeah, I suppose.
Conflicted?
- A little. - Hmm.
What about you, Leslie? What about your mother?
What... what about her?
Remember what I said about the maternal,
the, uh, yin to the paternal's yang.
How is yang acquired? Where does it reside?
Tell Foghorn your views on your mother.
How is your mother?
BILLY: Six hours of training?
Bloody hell, no wonder you're cactus, brother.
Yeah, I... I didn't even know what the fuck was going on.
I mean, have you ever heard of 'O-dipus'?
Is that on Oxford Street?
You know what? You can take this professional footy shit
and you can shove it up your arse.
You know, they're going on about your yang or whatever it is.
I didn't even know I had a yang, you know?
Where I'm from,
footy is you try and smash the other bloke
before he smashes you.
Still, you can take care of business on Saturday, right?
I probably won't even get a run, but I'm on the bench.
Not according to the paper.
Yeah, look!
Les Norton, first grade Rugby League player.
- _ - How good's that, brother?
NARRATOR: Truth is Les could be forgiven
for having taken his eye off the Bender boys,
given what else was going on in his life in Sydney.
But the Bender boys hadn't forgotten about Les.
Oh, no. Not by a long shot.
Have a look, Bevvy. Who's this?
See who that is, mate?
- We've found the bastard now. - (LAUGHS) Yeah.
We tracked him down, Bevvy.
Gonna go to Sydney and fucking kill him.
(LAUGHS GOOFILY) Yeah, yeah... Nah!
Nah, nah, what we'll do is we'll chuck him off a roof,
like what he's done to you, mate,
so he has to piss into a bottle too.
Just like you, mate.
Hey, uh...
How do we know the fall won't kill him?
Huh?
Well, we chuck him off a building,
what if he doesn't land on his head like Bevvy?
Oh, yeah.
(ALL LAUGH)
Who gives a shit, mate?
We'll just chuck him off and see what happens, hey, mate?
- Yeah. Too right. - Yeah?
You stay right there, Bevvy. Don't go away.
- We'll come right back. - Yeah, mate.
- We'll bring photos. - See you, mate.
- See you, Bev. - See you, Bev.
So, I assume we're still subsidising
the Minister at this point, correct?
Yeah, I suppose.
Seems like a bloody waste of Bugs Bunny, doesn't it?
Kind of.
Yeah, he didn't help at all with me roulette wheel.
Well, come to think of it, the Minister's not doing much at all
for us these days.
Well, if you ask me, he's read the tea-leaves
and he's packing up before the election.
He's probably got one foot out the door already.
Yeah, well, he'll have a foot in the grave
if he keeps ducking me calls.
Nighty-night.
Hey, nighty night boys.
What, you're not gonna stick around for a drink?
Raise a glass to you know who?
No, it's been a long night, William.
Ah, that's alright, mate. You know, I'm knackered anyway.
I mean, we can have a beer later on.
Are you kidding me?!
This is a big bloody deal here!
Think about it.
Our mate, our own blood nut, Les Norton,
is making his first grade rugby league debut this weekend.
Now, that's a dream of little children
from all over this great country of ours.
Well, except for Victoria and Western Australia.
South Australia.
Tasmania.
Northern Territory.
But still, moments like these,
they don't come around that often.
So... I'm gonna propose a toast.
Yep.
To Les!
Ya big, red, beautiful bastard,
I'm gonna wish you luck, brother.
Seize the day out there, eh?
We'll all be there, watching you.
Yeah, good on you, Les. We'll be there.
GEORGIE: Cheers, Lezzy.
Thank you.
('99TH HOME POSITION' BY HUNTERS & COLLECTORS PLAYS)
(ALARM CLOCK BLARES)
♪ Hey! ♪
♪ Yeah! ♪
♪ Hear me call ♪
♪ Hear me ca-a-a-a-all ♪
♪ Do you wanna know ♪
♪ The 99th home position? ♪
♪ They gotta know-ow, oh-oh-oh-oh ♪
♪ The 99th home position ♪
♪ They a-a-all gotta know ♪
♪ The 99th home position. ♪
- Sorry, handsome. Excuse me. - Lozza!
Hello, Georgie!
Oh, I missed you!
Good to see ya!
Meet, Price Galese, my boss.
Price, this is Lauren Johnson, also, uh, Les's flatmate.
G'day, Lauren. How are you?
So, how do you two know each other?
I was her first lesbian crush.
Actually, we did physie together.
(BOTH LAUGH)
MATTHEWS: We win, we leapfrog the silvertails into fifth.
We lose, you can all go back to being cops or garbos
or whatever you reprobates do in your spare time.
So, it's all on the line here!
Socks up, jerseys in, a bit of honest violence,
have some fun!
- (ALL CHEER) - Go! Go. Go. Go.
(ALL SHOUT AND GRUNT)
Norton!
You're only here 'cause I put my balls on the block for you.
Fuck it up, you know what happens?
You say goodbye to fatherhood?
You say goodbye to playing footy ever again.
Have fun, get out there.
TV COMMENTATOR: What a big game this is,
especially for the Eastern Suburbs Roosters.
- Come on, you Chooks! - They really simply have to win
every single game from now until the end of the season
to qualify for the top five of the table.
(CHEERING)
There you have it, the tricolours of the Eastern Suburbs Roosters,
captained by John Tobin,
coached by big Arthur Beetson
and his assistant, Mick Matthews.
So, here we go.
We're on to Round 22,
- and this is the final game... - (PHONE RINGS)
The winner will find themselves within spitting distance
of the top of the table,
but the loser could well drop out of the five completely.
(ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS)
WOMAN: Emily, pick up.
I need an update,
- time's running out. - Picked up by Benny Elias.
He stands in the tackle,
runs past, goes straight to McGahan,
trying to keep it hot.
There's the replacement, Scotty Bennett.
(CHEERING)
He slips through, what a run!
But a great tackle by Wayne Pearce!
There was support inside, but he just couldn't slip the pass.
The Roosters just can't seem to
break through this wall of Tigers defence.
(CHEERING)
It's fair to say Junior Pearce
is giving the Roosters nightmares.
Several huge runs in the first half.
He is proving a real handful for the Roosters.
They're just struggling to contain
his fearless running and his athleticism.
Coach Beetson's gonna have his work cut out for him
just to find a way
to get his team back into the game
as they head into the change rooms at half-time.
Listen you lot, we're still in this!
We're in this with a shot!
But we've gotta shut Junior down!
He's all over us like a rash!
It's all that clean living he does, Mick.
He's deadset bloody bulletproof!
That's what I'm talking about,
we gotta stop tackling him and start hurting him.
Right? Teach him to respect his elders. So, let's go!
Come on! Let's kill these bastards!
- Come on! - (ALL CHEER)
There you go.
- GEORGIE: Hello, Mr Salita. - I don't know which one the Midori is.
- (BOTH LAUGH) - Sort it out between yourselves.
- Thanks, Eddie. - How many's that?
Why, are you counting?
No, but, you know, you don't normally drink that much.
It's a bloody long afternoon in the sun, you know?
Loosen up, Price.
You only live once, you know? Live a little.
- Hmm. - Life be in it, and all that.
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
(ALL CHEER)
COMMENTATOR: As the two teams come back from the sheds
for the second half, it's the Tigers leading five points to three.
The Chooks are gonna have to find something special...
- LES: What? - ... if they want to turn things around.
I'm no good on an empty tum.
But he's played in the centres, second row, front row, hooker.
Dean Bell, still a bonus.
Well picked up by Gibbs.
Thanks, mate. Same again.
Right on that pass, McGahan, to Dunn, then Spina.
(GRUNTS)
ALL: Ohh!
COMMENTATOR: These boys from Eastern Suburbs,
they just cannot come up with an answer
to Junior Pearce's running game.
- Send him off! - Oh, boo!
(ALL JEER)
Coach Beetson is ringing the changes,
but it's starting to feel like
things are out of reach for the Roosters,
short of some sort of miracle.
Boring!
Yeah! Bring on... Les Norton!
I don't reckon he's gonna get a run.
No, he's still got a little bit of time.
BILLY: Not to turn it around, he doesn't.
Bring on the blood nut!
Bring on Snortin' Norton'!
Ha! Georgie!
Bring on Snortin' Norton'!
Ha-ha! Hey!
He's found a gap, he's through!
Oh, flying out of nowhere,
Junior Pearce takes him out in a bone-jarring tackle.
And as for McCorack, he's not getting back up.
And he's the last of the experienced forwards.
My goodness, Matthews is running out of options.
And look at Foghorn McCormack.
He's somewhere out past Alpha Centauri.
- Alright, Foghorn. - Good work, brother.
Now listen to me, you big red-headed rock ape.
Time to earn your keep, yeah?
Yeah, righto.
And, Les, make sure Junior knows you're on the paddock.
Copy that.
(ALL CHEER)
There is gonna be a reshuffle up front,
and... yes, it looks like we are gonna see
young Les Norton make his run-on debut.
What a baptism of fire it's gonna be for the big blood nut.
Norton taking his position.
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
Filipaina takes the kick.
And it's taken cleanly by Junior Pearce.
And he's cutting his way through the field.
- There's the rookie, Norton! - (CRUNCH!)
First touch for the boy from Dirranbandi.
(BARKS AND WHINES)
Pearce looks out on his feet.
His family would have heard that hit
all the way back in Leichardt.
That's my Les!
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
Hey, funny man, remember me?
Have I seen you somewhere before?
- You're kidding! - Guess what?
Off to the bin, 10 minutes.
Pig's arse! There's only five minutes left!
Yeah, it's funny that, isn't it? Off you trot.
This is bullshit.
COMMENTATOR: That looked like a fair shot to me
but the referee's seen it differently.
(SHOUTING)
Get a dog up ya, ref!
And the Roosters are down to 12 men.
Ohh!
Lines up the kick...
(PUB PATRONS SHOUT AND GRUMBLE)
And the Tigers are ahead in the dying minutes of the game.
You fuckin' wombat. What were you thinking?
You told me to get stuck into to Junior Pearce, so I did.
I didn't mean put him in hospital!
- You should have been clearer. - Should I?
Well, let me be clearer right now.
You lost us the game, you dopey fuckin' ranga!
It was a fair shot, Mick.
Me and the ref, we got history. That's...
History? Don't you talk to me about history, dip-shit!
We could have had that game until you buggered it completely!
You're a disgrace to this proud jersey!
- Is that right? - That's right.
A brainless, limp-dick
that shouldn't even be allowed in this hallowed place.
NARRATOR: "Limp-dick".
OK, Les knew he was on the horns of a dilemma here.
Normally, this goose would be sharing an ambulance
with Junior Pearce by now
and wondering how his teeth ended up in the next postcode.
But, somehow, Les had been listening in the psych sessions,
and the message had got through.
Fair enough.
But before I go, I want to let you know
I thought about what you said the other day.
And you're right, there is no 'I' in 'team'.
But there's definitely a 'U' in...
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
And I'm keeping the tracksuit.
NARRATOR: It was a moment of truth in the life of Les Norton.
As he put that undamaged idiot behind him,
Les knew he was, at last,
a stranger to violence.
Oi. Bevvy says g'day.
Ohh!
(LAUGHS GOOFILY)
Yeah, I don't think I've seen her since we left school.
Oh, yeah, she got married to that guy from Argentina.
Oh, yeah, I did meet him.
- Totally gorgeous. - Mm.
- Such an arsehole. - Mm.
She was just... so in love with him.
Mm.
You know, he was... (WHISPERS) he was her boss.
She just fell for him.
Yeah, well, bosses can do that to you.
(LAUGHS) Mm-hm.
- Get the car, will you, Eddie? - Good to go?
(GEORGIE LAUGHS)
Hey, Billy?
Sling that on the bar, will you?
It looks like the old school chums are settling in.
Make sure Georgie gets home safe, yeah?
- You got it, boss. - Alright.
Got a little surprise for you, Lezzy.
Guess where we're gonna go?
Up and up, nobody knows!
Oh, fuckin'...
(GRUNTING)
(LAUGHS GOOFILY)
Get him over there. Come on.
BILLY: Brother, I'm telling you, it'll go down in history
as the most remarkable first grade debut ever.
Don't know if it was the best. But it was definitely the shortest.
I reckon he's really easy to live with.
- I mean, if you overlook the mess. - Mm.
And the amount of food he shoves into his face.
And... the shit music.
And the whole tight-arse thing.
(BOTH LAUGH)
Other than that, he is pretty lovely.
- Lovely? - Mm.
Are you sure we're talking about the same Les Norton?
Mm-hm, yeah.
Deep down, he's just Mr Softy.
Aagh!
BILLY: He's a top bloke.
Likes to get himself into a bit of strife sometimes,
but he can usually handle himself, eh?
- Hope you're right. - Hmm?
Oh, shit!
Get up here, you fuckin' ranga bastard.
Time to walk the plank, you fuckin' leech,
you red-nut fucking bastard!
Aaaagh!
Tonight, over we go,
where he stops, nobody knows!
(LAUGHS)
Watch the red rocket break the land-speed record.
Oi, come here, you hillbillies.
Huh?
Get in there, fuckin'... Sort that shit out.
- Come on, bra! - How's the view?
Yeah? Yeah?
Oh!
Aagh!
Aah!
Ohh! Ohh!
Aaah! Ohh!
Aaagh!
(ROARS)
Oh! Oh!
Get out!
This is for Bevvy, you... !
Aagh!
Ahh!
(GROANS)
(CORK POPS)
Ha-ha! Still got it.
You right, Lezzy?
Uh...
Come on, Lezzy, Let Doctor Georgie fix you right up.
Calm down, just cut it out.
I just wanna dab.
Dab... Dab-dab.
I left my car at the footy.
I parked it downstairs.
How nice are you?
Come on, don't be silly.
More.
NARRATOR: More? Whoops.
Here was very dangerous territory.
Les wasn't an expert in the seduction business,
but he'd been around enough to know that, right now,
he was on a hiding to nothing.
She was a co-worker, she was up for it
and she was pissed to the eyeballs.
Easy, Tiger.
(SNARLS)
Let's just... let's all take a couple of deep breaths, alright?
(INHALES DEEPLY)
You alright?
(VOMITS)
You alright?
(COUGHS AND RETCHES)
(TOILET FLUSHES)
Alright, here.
Mmm! Mmm!
Mmm.
What are you doing?
Having a shower.
(WATER RUNS)
(GROANS) PJs.
- What? - PJs.
Mmm... Mm!
Bed?
That's a good idea I reckon.
With you.
No, I reckon I'll... get a cab home.
But I could die in my sleep.
(LAUGHS)
(GEORGIE SNORES)
(BIRDSONG)
(TRAIN RATTLES NEARBY)
(GROANS)
Morning.
You've actually got some spew in your hair.
No, I'm jokin', I'm jokin'.
You look ravishing.
I feel like I've vomited in my head.
Mm?
I'm really not used to drinking.
You don't say.
(SIGHS)
- Hey, Les? - Mm?
I remember being naked.
Did we... ?
Yeah.
- Oh... - Yeah, it was amazing...
... that we didn't!
(SIGHS) Considering how up for it you were.
Oh... Kill me now.
Ah, look, don't worry.
It never looked like anything was happening.
(SIGHS) Thank God for that.
Hey, listen, I'm gonna split.
I'll let you... get yourself together.
If only it were that easy.
Hmm?
Hey, um...
... obviously we should, uh, keep last night to ourselves.
- Yeah, I told you, nothing happened. - Like that matters.
If Price finds out that you spent the night at my place,
he's gonna hunt you down,
and he's gonna murder you.
No way!
Price has the hots for you?
Why is that so hard to believe?
Oh... No, it's not. It's just...
Wow, I didn't see that coming.
- I'll see you later, eh? - Hey, Les?
Mm?
Thanks.
Hooroo.
(SIGHS)
Idiot.
Where have you been?
I got lost.
Where's my coffee?
Huh? Oh, I forgot, I'm sorry.
Oh! Typical!
Oh, thank you, Daddy, thank you.
Hmm? What for?
Uh, the Wham tickets, how did you even get them?
We're trying to figure out what to wear.
Oh, Mum, not that, that's mine.
- No, no, it looks good on me. - Ew, gross.
- It does, doesn't it? - You're supposed to be a mother.
Have youse just to St Vincent's de Paul, have ya?
(ALL LAUGH)
Are you coming as well?
Oh, your father is too, too busy to come to concerts.
No, we're going with that girl that I met at aerobics.
Did I mention her?
- Hmm? No, I'm not sure. - Oh, I'm sure I did.
She's a bit of a Westie, but she loves Wham, apparently.
She says that she knows you.
Hmm?
Dolly something or other, Dolly Boggins.
Not Bognor?
Uh, yeah, that's it.
She came over this week and... we just clicked.
Coffee!
I want her dead, do you hear me?
Alright, calm down, boss, calm down.
She's stalking me family, I want her in the ground.
Wouldn't it looked a bit suss, you know, after the other one?
- I don't care what it'll look like. - Fine. What did she do?
- She crossed the line. - What line?
My fuckin' fence line.
(WHISPERS) Shh-shh-shh-shh-shh-shh.
Keep going, love, nice and slow.
Where's the madam?
Go, go, go, go.
Keep going. Yeah.
OK, stop. Now, get outta here.
(DOOR SQUEAKS)
(MUFFLED) Hey... What the fuck are you doin' here?
- What are you doin'? - Where's the madam?
- (MUFFLED) Eddie, fuck off! - Where?
(MUFFLED) Fuck off, Eddie!
You're gonna have to speak up mate, I can't hear you.
- (MUFFLED) Eddie... fuck... off. - Fuck...
- Fuck! - Thumper.
What are you doing?!
- (GUN CLICKS) - Eddie!
Yeah, put down the roscoe and step aside, mate.
That's my gimp.
Oh, you're gonna pull a gun on me on my own turf, are you?
That's not cool.
You should have thought about that
before you became besties with the boss's missus.
Oh, what are we now, the friend police?
No, I'm just saying, you brought this all on yourself.
Yeah, well, as will you
if you don't put that little popgun on the floor
by the time I get to three.
- Yeah, can you count to three? - Fuck, yeah. One...
... two...
Only one to go.
- (GUNSHOT) - ♪ Bang-bang ♪
♪ Shot full of love ♪
♪ Bang-bang ♪
♪ Shot full of love ♪
♪ Bang-bang, bang-bang ♪
♪ Bang-bang... ♪
(DOG BARKS)
(ENGINE STARTS AND REVS)
- Just a flesh wound, boss. - In a gimp mask?
- Yes. - This is Ray we're talking about?
- Uh-huh. - On a sex swing?
Yeah. You've never seen anything like it.
Bloody hell, Ray's always thought of himself
as a big swinging dick,
but I reckon that's taking things a little bit too far.
What are we gonna do, boss?
DOLORES: I don't understand.
You're a copper. Just arrest him, already.
- You think it's that easy? - Yeah.
It's not like Price hasn't done enough illegal shit.
Well, that's just it, he's done truckloads of illegal shit
but most of it with me,
I mean, I can't exactly pin him for stuff we did together, can I?
You didn't kill my sister together, did ya?
What?!
No, of course not!
Yeah, well, then, we pin him for the murder.
Well, how? We need a body first.
And he's hardly gonna volunteer that information to me, is he?
Well, we make him. OK? The gloves come off.
We play hard ball. We get personal.
I thought you were getting cosy with his missus.
Yeah, I am.
But I mean... really personal.
(PHONE RINGS)
(CLEARS THROAT)
Hey.
Hey, yourself.
Oh! (LAUGHS) Les...
They're gorgeous. This is very unlike you.
- Yeah. - Where'd you get 'em?
Oh, just, you know?
Uh, no, not really.
Why now?
What, do I need a reason, or is... ?
Yeah, it is kind of standard.
I'll get back to you on that.
Nah, actually, no.
(CHUCKLES)
Alright, fine.
It's, uh...
... because we're mates.
Oh, mates.
Yeah, something like that.
(SCREAMING)
(GUNSHOT)
(GASPS)
Oh, no way!
Are you the Bowen Lager guy?
(CRACK!)